Angry and Ashamed? What Therapy Can Teach You About Expressing Trauma-Related Anger in Healthy Ways
Let’s talk about something we don’t talk about enough, especially as women and mothers:
Anger.
And not just the kind of anger that shows up when someone cuts you off in traffic or your kid spills milk on the clean floor. I mean the deep, hot, sometimes-simmering, sometimes-erupting kind of anger that catches you off guard.
The kind of anger that makes you wonder, “Why am I reacting like this? What’s wrong with me?”
If you’ve ever felt ashamed of how angry you get or if you’ve shoved your anger so far down that now it only comes out as anxiety, resentment, or burnout this post is for you.
Because here’s the truth: Anger is often a trauma response. And therapy can help you understand it, validate it, and express it in ways that feel less explosive and more empowering.
Why Trauma and Anger Are Connected
When you’ve lived through trauma whether it’s childhood neglect, emotional abuse, a toxic relationship, or even the daily micro-traumas of motherhood your nervous system learns how to survive. And sometimes, that means going into fight mode.
Fight mode isn’t just about physical aggression. It can look like:
Snapping at your kids or partner
Clenching your jaw or fists without realizing it
Getting irritated by everything
Feeling like you’re constantly on edge
But underneath that anger? There’s often fear. Or grief. Or helplessness. And when those deeper emotions don’t feel safe to access or express, anger steps in as the body’s last line of defense.
In a way, anger says: “I’m not okay and I don’t know how to tell you that.”
Why We’re Taught to Fear Our Anger
Many of us were raised to believe that anger is bad. That it’s something to hide or ignore. Especially if you’re a woman. Especially if you’re a mom.
We get messages like:
“You’re overreacting.”
“Calm down.”
“You should be grateful.”
“Good moms don’t lose their cool.”
So we internalize the idea that anger = failure.
And instead of learning how to feel and move through our anger, we either:
Lash out and feel immediate shame
Shut down completely and turn that anger inward
Neither of these responses helps us heal.
How Therapy Helps You Work With Anger (Not Against It)
Anger isn’t the enemy. It’s a messenger. And therapy gives us the space to unpack what it’s trying to say.
When we explore anger in therapy, we’re not just trying to get rid of it. We’re asking:
Where does this come from?
What part of me is trying to protect?
What do I need that I’m not getting?
We start to trace the anger back to its origin. And often, that trail leads to unmet needs, old wounds, and stories we’ve carried since childhood.
Here’s what that process can look like:
1. Naming It Without Judgment
The first step is simply allowing your anger to exist. Naming it. Getting curious about it. Noticing how it shows up in your body.
2. Exploring the Underneath
We dig a little deeper. What’s below the surface? Is it fear of abandonment? A feeling of being invisible? The exhaustion of always being the one who holds it all together?
3. Building Safety in the Body
Anger often comes from a dysregulated nervous system. So we use grounding tools, breathwork, and somatic strategies to help your body feel safe enough to stay with the emotion without spinning out.
4. Rewriting the Story
Instead of believing that anger makes you a bad person, we explore how it might be evidence of your boundaries, your values, your desire to be heard. And we help you find ways to express those things without self-destruction or shame.
How EMDR Can Help Process Anger That Feels Stuck
One powerful tool I often use in therapy is EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).
EMDR helps the brain reprocess distressing memories so they stop activating the same intense emotional reactions over and over. It’s especially helpful when anger seems tied to unresolved trauma or specific past experiences.
Through EMDR, we can:
Reduce the emotional intensity of triggering memories
Unhook from the past so you’re not reacting from old wounds
Rewire the body’s stress response so anger doesn’t hijack your system
You don’t have to live in fear of your own reactions. EMDR and trauma-informed therapy can help you build a new, more empowered relationship with anger.
Healthy Anger Looks Like...
This isn’t about being calm all the time. It’s not about ignoring injustice or tolerating mistreatment.
It’s about learning how to express anger in ways that are:
Clear and direct (instead of passive-aggressive or explosive)
Boundaried (instead of punishing or controlling)
Honest and vulnerable (instead of guarded and defensive)
It’s okay to say:
“I’m really angry about this.”
“That didn’t feel okay to me.”
“I need to take a break before I say something I regret.”
Anger doesn’t have to mean chaos. It can be a call for repair. For truth. For change.
What Healing Might Look Like for You
Imagine feeling your anger rise and knowing what to do with it.
Imagine being able to:
Pause and breathe instead of react
Identify what you’re really feeling and needing
Communicate it without spiraling into shame or shutdown
This is the kind of healing I help my clients work toward. And if this resonates with you, I’d love to support you too.
You’re Not “Too Angry” You’re Carrying Too Much
Your anger isn’t a character flaw. It’s a signal.
It’s pointing toward something that hurts. Something that needs to be seen, held, and healed.
Therapy can help you stop stuffing it down or letting it explode and start learning how to listen, express, and move forward.
Ready to Work Through Your Anger in a Safe, Supportive Way?
I offer free 15-minute consults so we can talk about what’s going on and whether trauma-informed therapy or EMDR is the right fit for you.
Whether you’ve been stuck in anger for years or just recently noticed it bubbling up I’d love to help you find clarity, calm, and healing.
Click here to schedule your consult. You don’t have to navigate this alone.
You deserve to feel peace in your body and permission to be human.
