Snapped? Shut Down? The 'Window of Tolerance' Might Explain Why
You tell yourself to stay calm. You’re trying to respond, not react. But then your kid spills something for the third time, or someone makes a comment that hits a nerve, and suddenly you’re somewhere else entirely.
Snapping. Freezing. Zoning out. Wanting to scream. Or cry. Or disappear.
And then comes the shame spiral.
If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, “Why did I just lose it?” or “Why can’t I feel anything right now?,” I want to introduce you to a concept that’s a total game-changer in trauma therapy: the Window of Tolerance.
It’s one of those things I wish every single mom, partner, and human knew about.
Because once you understand your window, you can stop blaming yourself—and start building the safety your nervous system is asking for.
Let’s break it down.
What Is the Window of Tolerance?
The term “window of tolerance” was coined by Dr. Dan Siegel, and it refers to the zone in which your nervous system can function well. Inside this window, you can think clearly, regulate your emotions, and respond rather than react.
You still feel feelings, but they don’t knock you completely off your feet.
Outside the window? Things get dysregulated, fast.
When you go above your window, you may experience:
Racing thoughts
Anxiety or panic
Irritability or rage
Feeling like you’re crawling out of your skin
When you drop below your window, you may feel:
Numb
Disconnected
Frozen or shut down
Unable to concentrate or speak
Both states are totally normal nervous system responses, but they’re not where we function best. And if you’ve experienced trauma, your window of tolerance might be narrower than you’d like.
Why Your Window Gets Smaller
Trauma (especially chronic or early trauma) conditions your nervous system to stay on high alert. Your body learns that it has to scan for danger, prepare for the worst, or shut down to survive.
This means even small stressors can push you out of your window. Not because you’re weak or dramatic, but because your system has been wired for survival.
And in motherhood? Let’s just say the opportunities for nervous system overload are endless.
Crying babies. Sensory overload. Relationship tension. Sleep deprivation. The mental load.
Even if you’re “safe” now, your body might not fully believe it yet.
What It Looks Like in Everyday Life
Let’s say you’re getting everyone out the door. You’re running late. You can’t find the backpack. Your toddler spills something on you. You’re already feeling anxious.
Then your partner makes a comment like, “Why didn’t you pack lunches last night?”
Boom. Out of your window.
You either snap (“Are you kidding me right now?! Do you know how much I do around here?”)
Or you shut down (go quiet, feel the lump in your throat, start to believe you’re failing).
This isn’t you being “too emotional.” It’s your nervous system saying: I don’t feel safe right now.
How to Tell You’re Outside the Window
Everyone’s signs are different, but here are a few common clues:
Signs You’re Above the Window:
Heart racing
Fast, shallow breathing
Feeling hot or flushed
Irritability or rage
Racing thoughts, can’t focus
Feeling out of control
Signs You’re Below the Window:
Numbness
Brain fog
Heavy body or limbs
Feeling disconnected from yourself or others
Wanting to hide or disappear
When you notice these signs, your job isn’t to shame yourself, it’s to get curious.
“What’s my nervous system trying to tell me right now?”
How to Get Back Into Your Window
You don’t have to stay stuck outside your window forever. There are things you can do to bring yourself back into your regulated state.
These are some of the things I share with my therapy clients, and they work best when practiced regularly not just in crisis mode.
If You’re Hyper-Aroused (Above the Window):
Try grounding techniques: 5-4-3-2-1 senses, cold water, feet on the floor
Do something rhythmic: walking, rocking, tapping
Breathe with a longer exhale than inhale
Use a mantra: “I’m safe right now. I can slow down.”
If You’re Hypo-Aroused (Below the Window):
Add stimulation: drink cold water, stand up and stretch, shake out your hands
Engage with your environment: look around and name 5 things you see
Use temperature shifts (warm tea, cold cloth)
Say your name out loud, or gently rub your arms and remind yourself: “I’m here. I’m coming back.”
Over time, these practices help widen your window—so you can handle more stress without going into shutdown or explosion mode.
A Note on Motherhood and Nervous Systems
Moms often live on the edge of their window all day.
You’re touched out, overstimulated, mentally maxed out, and trying to hold it together for everyone else. Then you beat yourself up when you snap or shut down.
But what if you saw those moments as signals instead of failures?
What if you stopped asking, “What’s wrong with me?” and started asking, “What does my nervous system need right now?”
Because you’re not broken. You’re just dysregulated.
And you deserve tools, support, and space to come back into your window.
Healing Is About Safety
One of the biggest things I teach in therapy is this: Healing isn’t about never getting triggered. It’s about knowing how to find your way back.
We can’t eliminate all stress. We can’t avoid every hard moment.
But we can learn to recognize our nervous system’s cues.
We can practice tools that bring us back.
We can create relationships, rhythms, and routines that feel safe enough to stay inside the window more often.
And when we do? Everything changes.
We feel more present. More patient. More like ourselves.
Ready to Work With Your Nervous System (Not Against It)?
If you’re tired of snapping, shutting down, or spiraling—and you want to feel more steady inside your own body—therapy can help.
Together, we’ll:
Map out your window of tolerance
Learn how to regulate in real time
Heal the trauma that’s shrinking your window
Build rhythms that support your nervous system long-term
I offer free 15-minute consults so we can talk about what’s going on and whether therapy feels like the right next step for you.
You deserve to feel safe in your own skin again. Let’s build your window of tolerance together.
