You Didn’t Live It—But You Feel It: What to Know About Vicarious Trauma
You didn’t live through the trauma yourself.
But you’ve heard the stories. You’ve seen the images. You’ve held the emotion. And now… you can’t unfeel it.
Your chest gets tight when someone starts telling you something hard.
You find yourself crying at things that never used to hit you like that.
You’re waking up tired, shutting down faster, getting irritable, or feeling emotionally raw—and you don’t even know why.
If this sounds familiar, you might be experiencing vicarious trauma—the emotional residue of witnessing or holding space for other people’s pain.
It’s incredibly common. Especially for those of us who are helpers, caregivers, empaths, or just… awake to the suffering in the world.
But even though it’s common, it’s not something we talk about enough.
So let’s talk about it.
What Is Vicarious Trauma?
Vicarious trauma (sometimes called secondary trauma) happens when you absorb the emotional impact of someone else’s trauma. You haven’t lived it firsthand, but your nervous system responds as if you had.
This can happen from:
Listening to a friend’s or client’s traumatic story
Watching graphic or emotional content online
Reading news coverage of tragic events
Being repeatedly exposed to others’ distress, pain, or fear
Witnessing suffering and feeling helpless to change it
And over time, this exposure takes a toll—especially if you’re not able to process or release what you’re carrying.
Why Vicarious Trauma Happens
Humans are wired for connection. When we care about someone, our brain and body often mirror what they’re feeling. It’s part of our empathy system.
But that system doesn’t have an off switch.
If you’re constantly absorbing the stress, fear, or pain of others—whether as a therapist, nurse, teacher, advocate, or even just a friend who everyone leans on—you might start to feel like you’re living inside someone else’s story.
Your body keeps the score, even when it’s not your story.
And when that emotional load builds up without an outlet, it can start to look and feel a lot like trauma.
What Vicarious Trauma Feels Like
This is where things get tricky—because vicarious trauma doesn’t always feel dramatic. Sometimes it creeps in slowly. Quietly. Until one day you realize you haven’t felt like yourself in a while.
You might notice:
You feel emotionally numb or detached
You cry more easily—or not at all
You struggle to shake the stories people tell you
You avoid certain conversations or topics that used to feel manageable
You feel powerless, cynical, or hopeless
You’re constantly tired, distracted, or on edge
You feel resentful, even toward people you care about
You might even start questioning your capacity to keep helping. Or feel guilty for needing space. Or wonder what’s “wrong” with you.
Here’s the truth: nothing is wrong with you. But your nervous system is asking for care.
Why Moms, Therapists, and Helpers Are Especially Vulnerable
If you’re a mom, a therapist, or someone who holds emotional space for others—you’re more likely to experience vicarious trauma. Not because you’re weak, but because you’re constantly attuned to others’ needs and emotions.
You might be the one your kids come to when they’re hurting.
You might be the friend who always picks up the late-night call.
You might spend your workday holding space for other people’s hardest stories—and then come home to your own family’s needs.
It adds up. And unless you’re intentionally creating space to decompress and care for your emotions, your system stays in go-mode without a break.
It’s no wonder you feel exhausted or disconnected.
Signs You Might Be Carrying Emotional Residue That Isn’t Yours
It’s not always obvious when what you’re feeling isn’t yours. But here are a few signs to watch for:
You feel a strong emotional reaction to a story or event that didn’t directly affect you
You find yourself avoiding people you care about because you don’t have the capacity
You feel responsible for fixing or solving someone else’s pain
You ruminate on things you’ve heard or seen and can’t let them go
You feel angry, helpless, or hopeless about the state of the world
If you’re nodding along, you’re not too sensitive. You’re a human being with an open heart—and you might need some help sorting through what you’ve absorbed.
What Helps
You don’t have to stop caring. But you do have to care for yourself in the process.
Here are a few ways to start:
Notice when you’re activated.
That tight chest, clenched jaw, racing mind—it’s a signal. Pause. Acknowledge what’s happening.
Create boundaries around emotional input.
This might look like logging off social media, muting accounts that stir up distress, or limiting the number of heavy conversations in a day.
Practice emotional hygiene.
Just like we brush our teeth daily, we need to process what we emotionally absorb. Journal. Cry. Shake it out. Take a walk. Talk to a trusted friend. Let it move.
Use grounding tools.
Deep breathing, holding ice, feeling your feet on the ground—anything that brings you back into your body and out of the emotional fog.
Get support.
You don’t have to hold it all alone. Having someone hold space for you is essential—especially if you’re usually the one doing the holding.
Let’s Normalize This
You don’t have to go through something traumatic yourself to be affected by trauma. Bearing witness is enough.
You’re not broken.
You’re not failing.
You’re just carrying more than your system was meant to carry alone.
And the good news? You can put some of it down.
Ready to Offload Some of the Weight?
If you’re feeling emotionally heavy, numb, irritable, or just not yourself—and you suspect it might be vicarious trauma—I’d love to support you.
Therapy can help you untangle what’s yours from what you’ve absorbed, regulate your nervous system, and reconnect with yourself.
I offer free 15-minute consults so we can talk about what’s been going on and what support might look like for you.
Click here to schedule your free consult.
You don’t have to keep holding it all. Let’s make space for you, too.
